Bad and Beautiful

Finally saw Everything Bad and Beautiful, Sandra Bernhard's new one-woman show, last night. Actually, it's not so new anymore. It was new back in April, when it premiered in New York (no, I didn't go to the premiere party at Splash) and before that it ran for a few weeks in L.A. Whatever, it was new to me.

It was the late show, 10 p.m., her second performance of the night. The theater was only half full, the crowd seemed a little stiff and touristy (Gay Pride Weekend, baby, the out-of-towners are amoung us), and I think my date was bored to tears. Maybe it's the kind of show only a fan could love. Highlights included: Sandra ranting that the Bush twins don't deserve contraceptives and that should they contract an STD, "Too fuckin' bad!"; her cover of Prince's "I Would Die 4 U"; and her devastatingly cute albino-lookin' guitarist.

I love Miss Sandra so much right now. I mean, Christ, did you see her on The View? I'm totally writing my own one-person show. Seriously, one day I want to rip off Sandra the way Rufus just ripped off that dead drug addict. Call it an homage. Call it a mistake. Call it stand-up tragedy. With any luck you'll never, ever have to hear about it again.

WhArea?

Area 10018. Of course, the queens looked pretty.

I think I looked pretty.

And, um...

Goddamnit, put your shirts on!

"I'm sorry Dave, I'm afraid I can't do that."

Eulogy for a Condom

I found this expired condom in the pocket of a jacket I haven't worn in, like, two years. It made me kind of sad, and I decided it needed a little memorial. So I laid it on some clean white tissues, opened a bottle of Sam Adams Cherry Wheat, and drank to all the condoms that never get used and all the missed opportunities they represent.

Here's to the nights spent alone in bed; to the lube not spilled on clean sheets; to the one night stands and first encounters that never happened. Here's to the nights when you go home early, lips still throbbing from a stranger's over-eager kisses. Here's to waking up alone and not regretting it.

Here's to the condoms, our little protectors. To the Trojans, the Lifestyles, the Kimonos, the Crowns. Here's to latex and lambskin. Here's to the ones that came between us and disease, the ones that saved us. And here's to the ones that never had a chance.