Bad and Beautiful

Finally saw Everything Bad and Beautiful, Sandra Bernhard's new one-woman show, last night. Actually, it's not so new anymore. It was new back in April, when it premiered in New York (no, I didn't go to the premiere party at Splash) and before that it ran for a few weeks in L.A. Whatever, it was new to me.

It was the late show, 10 p.m., her second performance of the night. The theater was only half full, the crowd seemed a little stiff and touristy (Gay Pride Weekend, baby, the out-of-towners are amoung us), and I think my date was bored to tears. Maybe it's the kind of show only a fan could love. Highlights included: Sandra ranting that the Bush twins don't deserve contraceptives and that should they contract an STD, "Too fuckin' bad!"; her cover of Prince's "I Would Die 4 U"; and her devastatingly cute albino-lookin' guitarist.

I love Miss Sandra so much right now. I mean, Christ, did you see her on The View? I'm totally writing my own one-person show. Seriously, one day I want to rip off Sandra the way Rufus just ripped off that dead drug addict. Call it an homage. Call it a mistake. Call it stand-up tragedy. With any luck you'll never, ever have to hear about it again.

Bathroom Interview: Houston Bernard

The first time I ever saw Houston Bernard he was completely naked onstage at the old Boysroom, attempting to shove a beer bottle up his butt. My friend Dave was revolted; I was mesmerized. He’s a sort of bisexual rap/rock/pop star, an electrosexual, a porny, horny entertainer who lives by the maxim “Whores have more fun.” See him for yourself when he performs with the Daisy Spurs Tuesday night at Happy Valley. This interview (at Area 10018) is probably the most innocuous thing Houston’s ever done in a bathroom.

John: What’s the dirtiest thing you’ve ever done in a bathroom?
Houston Bernard: In a bathroom? Dirty? I don’t know, um, I’ve had multiple guys sucking on my cock and balls. And I’ve blown my load on them. It was like three or four guys, I don’t remember. But I’ve never done scat. I’ve done, uh, like a lot of watersports. I’ve done a lot of that cause I escorted. I actually pissed in a dentist’s mouth, who was a dentist for the Rolling Stones.

J: What's your message to the masses?
HB: Well, I tour promoting gay rights and free speech, but there’s a lot of whores out there with a lot of sexual energy and they like to release that energy and I think my show is a really good avenue for them. I mean, I can’t even remember when there wasn’t an orgy after my show.

J: Is there an orgy after your show tonight?
HB: Tonight? Probably not, because I’m catching a 7 a.m. bus to Boston.

J: If you were homeless, what would you do in the subway for spare change?
HB: Well, I kind of am homeless. I haven’t had a home in 3 years. I’ve been on the road. But, if I was in the subway looking for spare change I would probably grab my acoustic guitar and play, like, Beatles songs.

J: If you were a venereal disease, what would you be?
HB: Maybe crabs, ‘cause I like to travel.

J: Lohan or Richie?
HB: Lindsey Lohan. I’d fuck her.

J: Sophia Lemar or Amanda Lepore?
HB: Ooooh…um…I’ve had sex with…I can’t remember her name. She’s black.

J: That’s neither of them.
HB: I know. Sophia Lemar’s been really sweet. When I first came out on the scene, like five years ago, she introduced me to everybody. Amanda Lepore, I’ve done tours with her in Germany. It’s hard, they’re both sexy. Could there be a threesome?

J: Sure. Britney or X-tina?
HB: Christina Aguilera. She was at the Cock one night. She’s a complete fucking whore, and I like whores. I see Britney Spears as more of a white trash tranny girl. So if I had to fuck on of those two, I’d fuck Christina Aguilera. But I’d fuck Bill Pullman first.

J: If you were doing the interview what would you ask me?
HB: How many fucking whores have you pounded in the ass?

J: Umm…I don’t know about whores, but in general? I don’t know, 10? I’m only 23. I do keep a list though.
HB: I lost track long ago. But I do remember faces and experiences that were good.

WhArea?

Area 10018. Of course, the queens looked pretty.

I think I looked pretty.

And, um...

Goddamnit, put your shirts on!

"I'm sorry Dave, I'm afraid I can't do that."

Eulogy for a Condom

I found this expired condom in the pocket of a jacket I haven't worn in, like, two years. It made me kind of sad, and I decided it needed a little memorial. So I laid it on some clean white tissues, opened a bottle of Sam Adams Cherry Wheat, and drank to all the condoms that never get used and all the missed opportunities they represent.

Here's to the nights spent alone in bed; to the lube not spilled on clean sheets; to the one night stands and first encounters that never happened. Here's to the nights when you go home early, lips still throbbing from a stranger's over-eager kisses. Here's to waking up alone and not regretting it.

Here's to the condoms, our little protectors. To the Trojans, the Lifestyles, the Kimonos, the Crowns. Here's to latex and lambskin. Here's to the ones that came between us and disease, the ones that saved us. And here's to the ones that never had a chance.